As a result of enduring many a long-distance relationship, my own vanity, and lack of good judgment I have done a lot of homemade “glamor shoots.”  By which I mean there are a lot of men out there with photos of my boobs.  My boobs are awesome and must be seen.  Deal with it!

Because of my past I am now the Hugh Hefnor, or Bunny Yeager, of homemade cheesecake and it has come to my attention that many of you are struggling.  Come, friend, let me teach you!

Rule 1: Discover What Kind of Sexy you Like

Sexy is not monolithic.  You need to find out what kind of sexy appeals to you.  Do you like dominatrix sexy?

Geeky sexy?

Wholesome ’70s Playboy sexy?

Whatever the hell this is?

The point is that you have to turn yourself on.  If you feel sexy and are happy with the photos THAT is the hottest photo you can take.  Don’t take photos that you hate, or make you feel degraded, for someone else’s benefit.  Suffering in silence is never a good look.

Rule 2: Mood Music

This should be fun so GO WITH IT!

Rule 3: What You Hide is as Important as What You Show

Consider a tease more than “and this is my vag.”  Sheer bras, nude bodies partially obscured? HOT.  This also lets you hide any body part you’re not totally confident about.  Try a cardigan and nothing else if you hate your arms.  Pose on your stomach if you’re uneasy about your tummy.  Try taking a series of shots going from clothed to naked and sending them separately throughout the day to his/her phone or email.  It will be appreciated.

Rule 4: Fake It

Study old porn from the days before photoshop, you’ll find the same poses again and again because they make the body look great.

Arching your back, sucking in, and pushing your shoulders back makes your boobs look perky.

Suck in, point your legs and try to lengthen your body as much as possible.  Active limbs always look more elegant than limp ones.

Rule 5: Safety

Personally there’s no shame in my game, the world knows I have boobs so what’s the big mystery?  However, I’m not, say, a preschool teacher, congresswoman or starlet.  Assess your risk levels accordingly and go from there.  Try sending photos from a fake email with your head cropped out.  Or get dick shots in return.  Generally all you have to say is “show me your penis” and 8/10 times you’re getting a photo.

Up until about two weeks ago, I was one of those women who thought, “Ah, vibrators. Not really my speed.” (Bah-dum-bum.)

I grew up as a small town girl and while I got the birds and the bees in health class, masturbation was not a thing that was talked about. I was a late bloomer to touching myself. But I figured it out when I was about 17.  And then things really changed for the better. Colours were brighter, food was tastier, the world was shinier. It was a good time. Then, when I was about 20, I found myself in the big city with some sex-positive friends and we stumbled into a feminist-run sex shop. Everything in there was so exciting and I was determined to treat myself. We all bought something that day. I bought a small but powerful vibrator.

The first time I used it, I was like, OH DEAR GOD WHAT IS THIS?! Yeah. I hated it. It was far too powerful that it was overwhelming and almost… painful?! Not to be dissuaded, I kept at it. I persisted. But not once could I get off using it. Eventually, it went into the garbage because it was just not working for me. I went on with my life thinking that I was just not a vibrator type of girl.

A few weeks ago, lovely Lupe and I were emailing back and forth about this very issue. “It’s just not for me, yo.” “Tried it once and it didn’t work.” “My vag is picky! It’s partial to a strong hand, mouth and/or dick.” “My clit is too sensitive!” I gave her various reasons why it wasn’t for me, but the offer of a complimentary sex toy to review was too sweet of an offer to pass up. Soon, a vibe was on my way to my house. Oh, Mr. Postman. If you only knew how exciting the contents of that nondescript envelope were.

One day, after a particularly shitty afternoon, I came home and saw that a medium sized package had been pushed through my mail slot. (Yeah I did. I can’t stop with the sexy talk.) With that, my day turned around. I enjoy a good experiment. I tore into the package and saw that Ms. Lupe sent me an OhMiBod Naughtibod from Babeland. It came in a pretty pink velour bag. Luxurious!

The Naughtibod is awesome in that works two ways. The first is the “normal mode” which uses seven pre-set patterns of vibration. It’s easy to use with two buttons and a clearly laid out instruction manual. Keep pressing the triangle button until one of the patterns tickles your fancy. Literally.

The second is the “music mode.” This is what really intrigued me. The vibe comes with a cord that hooks up to your iPod, iPhone or mp3 player. The vibe picks up on the bass and beat in the song and it vibrates along to it. The other amazing feature is the vibration intensity is controlled through the volume. Turning the volume down will ensure you won’t vibe your clit off.

I used it right away. I was intrigued. I plugged my phone in, plugged my headphones in, and set it to shuffle. MISTAKE. First, I discovered that listening to the music was a little too distracting for me when trying to reach my end goal. I removed the headphones and was in better shape. Second, I found that for my music tastes, shuffle was a bad idea. The first song had a good bass line and fast tempo but the second song was a Didn’t We Almost Have It All by the late Ms. Whitney. The soft ballad, while a lovely song, threw off my groove in a bad way. I picked one fast, intense Girl Talk song and set it to repeat.  Once I had all these components figured out I was way into it. That poor misguided girl who thought vibrators weren’t for her? She was a fool. A FOOL, I SAY. If I have the Naughtibod set to about 70% volume, I’m in a good place.

Musically, it’s important to choose songs carefully. Kanye worked well for me, as did Jay-Z. Adele is my homegirl, but her music just didn’t cut it for me. Motown songs with a good beat are a safe bet. Just about every Crystal Castles song did the trick. The Foo Fighters are a fun go. M83 has some good songs, but you can’t go off the whole album because it goes between fast and funky to soft and mellow. Rihanna is a solid go-to. What’s that, Nicki Minaj? Why yes, I can hear that boom-badoom-boom-boom-badoom-boom-bass. AND I LIKE IT.

OhMiBod’s Naughtibod from Babeland is a great vibe to ease into it. In a few short days, I went from an adamant anti-viber to a confident vibe-user. I have Babeland, Lupe and a steady bass line to thank for my transformation. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some Scandinavian death metal to download.

Editor’s note: if you get one of these we HIGHLY recommend picking up the amazing remote control app built for it.  It will be the best $1 you ever spend we promise. 

Disclaimer: Product provided by Babeland upon request. Reviewer was not compensated for her views and all opinions are her own.

So in the past I’ve been pretty enthusiastic about my love of the OhMiBod Club vibe.  It’s a vibrator that turns music into vibration rhythms and it is unbelievably awesome.  Well now that vibe has gotten even better thanks to SCIENCE! A wealth of apps (ok just two) have sprung up to make them even cooler.  First OhMiBod released their own app that allows you to control your vibe from your iPhone or iPod, which come on, AMAZEBALLS.   Now, however, the app capabilities have been taken to their incredible pervy logical conclusions and I could not be happier.  CloserToGetHer allows you to plug the vibe into your iPhone or iPod and your partner can control the vibe from anywhere in the world.  If you don’t have an OhMiBod vibe the app will vibrate your iphone and you can put that in your tender places.

The company gave me two downloads to try out which I gleefully took.  I tried them out with a partner in London on the iPhone, whilst I was decidedly NOT in London, on an iPod touch.  Sadly we had some hiccups.  While it worked with absolutely no issues on the iPhone my iPod/club vibe combo was a dud.  It went something like this:

Me: I’m not feeling anything

Keith: TRY THIS ….TAKE THAT 100% INTENSITY

me: it’s not doing anything, here is this working on your iphone?

‘Cause this iPod option does not work

Keith: ooh yeah it’s working that’s weird

me: PUT IT ON YOUR JUNK!

Keith: no

Me: how can we properly evaluate this if you won’t put it on your junk?

Keith: I’m not putting my balls on my iphone, that has to go on my face later

The developers have assured me however that the app should work just fine with an iPod touch and the problem is more likely to be with using the club vibe rather than the other Ohmibod vibes that connect directly to the iPod/iPhone without the use of a battery pack.  Basically it should work with any of the wired products that OhMiBod lists as compatible with their own app.  As an added bonus OhMiBod is offering $10 off all their products if you like them on Facebook.  I’m trying to get my hands on another vibe to try again with my iPod, and I’ll update my review when I do, but in the meantime I cannot recommend this highly enough if you’re both on iPhones as that seems to work just fine.

GIVEAWAY

CloserToGetHer is offering us two downloads of their app for the iPhone/Ipad/Ipod touch to one commenter (so 1 download each for you and your partner) leave a comment below that you’d like to enter and I’ll randomly draw a winner next Monday.  Keep in mind that while CloserToGetHer does work on an Android we’ve only been given Apple downloads to give away.

As a woman who is evangelical about always having the basics on hand, I could not love this Bare Necessities Kit more.  It’s everything you need in a little pouch: condoms, lube, and toy cleaner.  Here is are reasons  why you need to order this NOW:

1. All the products are very high quality and a decent size.  I was particularly impressed with the toy cleaner that had a nice subtle fresh scent and got everything spanking clean.  This was a considerable step up from toy cleaners I’ve used in the past that smelled like candy and left a stick film on your toys.  Love this stuff.  Now the lube is admittedly not my favorite as I remain a Swiss Navy girl but it is far far better than most of the lubes out there.  It’s slick and the taste is inoffensive.  Really that’s all you need from a lube.

2. It’s cheap! For $10 you get a large sample size of products that easily cost twice that much on their own

3. The packaging is pretty, modern, and nondescript.  Nothing is worse than lubes or toy cleaners that have hideous “yes I am used for THE SEX” packaging.  Or even worse horrible names.  Coochie? We’re looking at you.

A great deal for the price and will keep your sexin’ healthy and safe.  What’s not to like? Good job Babeland!

FTC disclaimer: products are provided by Babeland upon request.  Reviewers are not compensated for their opinions. 

Sometimes, often times, the worst experiences can come out of the most innocent of questions.  Matt asked us if we thought clown porn existed.  In an attempt to prove that indeed, yes, there is porn for everything we discovered this little film.  Please proceed with caution as we at SIFE will not be held responsible for any nightmares that might ensue after seeing this.

Lupe: the music isn’t bad

Matt: Hahaha what the fuck that bass is kickin’!

Lupe: OMG THERE’S A RUBBER CHICKEN

(NOT MAKING THIS UP)

they are rubbing each other with a chicken

Matt: I’m not at that part yet. Clown A is rimming Clown B right now.

THERE IS A FUCKING RUBBER CHICKEN

Lupe:  I TOLD YOU

Susanne Sugarbaker : the makeup artist better get special credit on this one

DD: BOoooo, there was a whole rubber chicken waiting to be stuck somewhere

Matt: It’s a little bit like a heavy acid trip. All your friends turn into clowns fucking each other.

Lupe they really did miss the boat on that one

Susanne Sugarbaker : OMG, the rubber chicken just let out a “cock-a-doodle-doo!”

Matt: I skipped ahead, they’re just double-ending now. Man, porn is weird.

Lupe:  that’s your problem Matt you’re always skipping to double ending.  OMG THEY’RE PIEING EACH OTHER

where’d that cream pie come from?

Matt: Cream Pies in Lesbian porn? Gotta be a first.

Lupe: OMG THE CHICKEN MAKES A REAPPEARANCE

DD: had my earphones in the mic socket – the whole house had heard the crowing

Lupe: HAHAHAHA

Susanne Sugarbaker : oh DD, rookie mistake

Lupe: “it’s just really avent garde jazz YOU WOULDN’T UNDERSTAND”

Lupe: this was given a 5.0 rating by two reviewers.  just sayin’

Susanne Sugarbaker : probably by each of the lesbian clowns

Lupe: soooo smart Susanne.  The chicken was nonplussed

Lupe: “meh, I’ve seen better” and then he lights a cigarette

Susanne Sugarbaker : the chicken was hoping for a flower that at least squirts water

see what i did there?

Lupe: I do and I love it

We begin our mutual careers are porn commentators with a little gem called “Bible Banging” from the Golden Gate Season 2 series of films.  Golden Gate describes it thus:

Riley Price plays Elder Jensen, a wet-behind-the-ears Mormon missionary who’s going door-to-door to spread the gospel. But he has no idea what’s in store for him when he knocks on Tony Buff’s door. Once Elder Jensen bravely enters Tony’s home, he’s in for the most unmerciful fuck of his life.

We begin with an LSD trip like opening featuring stock footage of scenes from San Francisco’s history like: gold miners, hippies, Old views of the Castro etc. with snippets of hard core pornography

Matt: Panning for gold and sucking cocks. It’s how America began

Lupe it’s like porny willy wonka there’s subliminal BJs

Susanne Sugarbaker : season 2? will I know what is happening if I haven’t seen season 1?!

Lupe they’ll fill you in if you know what I mean and I think you do

DD: Riley price, a stalwart

Susanne Sugarbaker : is this a period piece?!

Matt: There’s a shot of the YMCA. That’s how we know this is gay porn. Oh, and the frequent strobing images of violent ass banging.

Lupe: Visit San Francisco!

Cut to shot of two Mormon Missionaries walking through the Castro knocking on doors to spread the word.  According to the narrator “once a boy’s seen the Castro it’s hard to send him back to Zion” 

Susanne Sugarbaker : HE HAS A BACKPACK!

Matt: “Once a boy’s seen the castro…” AHHAAHAH

Lupe: SERIOUSLY THIS WARDROBE IS DOWN PAT, it’s really practically a documentary

After numerous doors are cruelly slammed in their faces, our intrepid missionaries are welcomed into the home of a man with a house full of bondage gear and a head full of dumb hair.

Lupe:  Riley that’s a porn smile not a Mormon smile work on that.  HIS HAIR LOOKS LIKE A HERSHEY KISS

Susanne Sugarbaker : ACID WASHED JEANS AND SUSPENDERS

Lupe:  ooooh shit his  pant’s button is undone

DD: you’ve called to the wrong door boys

Lupe: oh they’ve got the right door

Susanne Sugarbaker : Elder Jensen doesn’t realize what he’s gotten himself into

DD: ow, my innocence is being eroded

Susanne Sugarbaker : THE ONE MORMON JUST LEFT

Susanne Sugarbaker : without a word just turned and left

Lupe: he knew where it was going

Susanne Sugarbaker : he knew what was up

Matt: Wait a fucking minute, is this going to be gay porn?!  I WAS TRICKED

After we lose Elder HEYWAIT our lone missionary Riley Price takes a seat on the couch to begin sharing the word of the Lord and engage in a little chit chat about Mormonism

DD: “Do you like the 80s – I bloody love it, and being a builder, and cock”

Susanne Sugarbaker : oh good sir. pissing in a boys mouth was not something Joseph Smith wrote about in the book

Matt: I was wondering how he was going to start this shit off. He went for the classic stand up and rub the trouser area. It’s a classic move.

DD: where is this going?

Elder Jensen/ Riley Price is confused and conflicted yet aroused by this dramatic turn of events 

Lupe:  ”Um I really shouldn’t you know….with the penis and all….oh well if you insist”

Susanne Sugarbaker : he looks so scared

oh

wait

confused

conflicted

Susanne Sugarbaker : aaaaannnndddd, he’s into it

Matt: Okay, well this story is now no longer believable.

What ensues is the longest deep throating scene in film history

Susanne Sugarbaker : what do you think elder jensen is doing outside?

Matt: Probably necking some dudes cock.

Susanne Sugarbaker : he’s in the straight version of this

Matt: yeah, the straight version of this movie follows elder jensen when he “nopes” it outta the gay dudes house.  Right after seeing the “Man Cage”

Lupe: wait did he just wipe away tears? Elder price is IN IT TO WIN IT

Susanne Sugarbaker : oh elder price. don’t reward a guy with that haircut and tribal jewellery with a beej.

DD: he’s working hard now

Lupe:  that hair is really my biggest problem with this

Matt: If you breathe in as you’re swallowing, you don’t gag. True story.

Lupe: casually disrespecting religion? fine, but hershey kiss hair? not so much

DD: no qualms about this at all does he?

Lupe:  this is true, but some guys like the gagging. OR SO I’VE HEARD FROM A FRIEND

Stupid hair in keeping with the “breaking in the new innocent Mormon” plot begins to coach Elder Riley Price

Lupe:  it was elder price who got the education that day

Matt: You know what? I’m not all that into blow jobs.

Susanne Sugarbaker : i’m not into them like this

Lupe: wait did he just say “chew on my dick”?

Matt: Dick chewing now.

Susanne Sugarbaker : yes

Susanne Sugarbaker : bite it?!

Matt: To anyone reading this, please don’t chew on dicks.

Elder Riley Price upon command then begins to visibly bite Stupid Hair’s dick

DD: jesus!

Susanne Sugarbaker : i think this is emotionally scarring the commenters with dicks

Lupe:  ”no dicks were harmed in the making of bible bangers”

DD: Teeth on cock hurts – bonafide fact

Susanne Sugarbaker : OH NO SO MUCH TEETH

Susanne Sugarbaker : if this is elder jensen’s first foray into beej giving, he’s going to really freak the shit out of the next guy he tries to sell on mormonism

Finally after the BJ that wouldn’t end Stupid hair begins to undress Elder Price

 Matt: Is he wearing the magic underwear?

Oh man, he totally isn’t.

Lupe: WHERE ARE HIS GARMIES?

Matt: THAT’S WHY THIS IS HAPPENING

Susanne Sugarbaker : no magic underwear = i am no longer believing this storyline.  it was so convincing until now

Lupe: do you think the neighbors outside those unscreened windows are mocking them or in the Castro is it just “oh look dear the top next door is deflowering a mormon”?

Susanne Sugarbaker : option B

Finally stupid hair gets naked and we get a view of a baffling back tattoo

Matt: What does that tattoo say? Buffalo?

DD: it looks a bit “alien nation”

Susanne Sugarbaker : his tattoo says Buffalaw?

Lupe: OMG I thought you were taking the piss but I think that tattoo really does say Buffalo

Matt: I AM THE BUFFALAW!

Finally we get some paddling and then stupid hair performs some analingus and a pretty vigorous butt fingering

DD: he could have been a little more vigorous with the paddling given the salad tossing that ensued

Matt: Wait a minute… Is this gay porn?!

Susanne Sugarbaker : the fact that elder jensen’s shirt and tie are still on is bothering me.

Susanne Sugarbaker : oh, am i the only one who signed on because i knew it was gay porn? Just me? ok then

Lupe: for a pure and innocent mormon he seems to be pretty adept at taking two fingers, which is also the title of my first novel

Stupid hair mid-fingering stops and says to Elder Riley Price “and that’s your prostate”

Lupe:  HAHAHA” AND THAT IS YOUR PROSTATE”

Susanne Sugarbaker : “and that is your prostate”

Matt: And that… is your prostate

Susanne Sugarbaker : is he also a doctor?!

DD: oh god, I’m wincing

Susanne Sugarbaker : you and elder jensen are wincing

Susanne Sugarbaker : oh elder jensen, don’t pretend to look confused

And now finally the piece de resistance: fucking

Lupe: Elder Price is getting a testimony

Susanne Sugarbaker : is this what could happen if i actually open my door to mormons?

Lupe:  YES Susanne it is, it’s a documentary very serious bizness

Susanne Sugarbaker : can i sign up to have mormons come to my door? or is it just by chance?

Matt: I think it’s done by lottery

DD: who cares where it’s coming from, stick it in me

Lupe: I’m putting out a sign “mormons welcome” then just immediately sticking my fingers up them

BITE IT BITE IT

Matt: Like Mormon finger puppets?

Lupe:  And that’s your prostate

Susanne Sugarbaker : “oh have mercy” you’re praying to a different god now, elder jensen!

Matt: Also, severe lack of a reach around. Your dick is in the dudes ass!

DD: missionary? I never thought it was possible

Susanne Sugarbaker : wait, there is a towel laid down specifically for fucking on that couch. this guy totally knew mormons were coming that day

Lupe:  he totally knew

Susanne Sugarbaker : this asshole is a very selfish lover. elder jensen is doing a lot of the work here

Lupe:  there wasn’t even kissing.  what is the world coming to when gay porn isn’t a reliable source of guys kissing?

Predictable slow-mo coming shots of missionary and stupid hair’s cocks and credits roll

Lupe: HAHA SCREENWRITER CREDIT

someone slaved over this

special thanks to raging stallion studios

Susanne Sugarbaker : there were like 15 people listed in the cast! i assume the several people who closed the door in the two elder’s faces got credit

And THAT is what happens when a boy has seen the Castro

 Fin

Anon writes

Here’s my question. My husband and I have a good sex life. It’s very active, and we’re both happy. I can’t seem to get over myself though. I don’t believe him when he tells me I’m attractive, and it’s seriously ruining the moment now. When he says that I’m attractive (or sexy, or hot, whatever) it makes me feel almost bad. I shy away and it throws our mojo off so to speak. How do I get my confidence back? Uninhibited women are super hot, but I can’t seem to get over the block in my head telling me I’m not that girl. What do I do?

Jack:

Assuming that this is the only thing you have difficulty taking your husband’s word on:

Here’s the good news (actually it is not good news but misery loves company) you are not the only person and definitely not the only woman who feels this way.  There are priestesses of Aphrodite who could knock me unconscious with their beauty who believe themselves to be unattractive.

The magazines are stacked full of cheesecake cover shots (ironically named, as they feature women who have never eaten a slice of cheesecake without vomiting it up first).  That they are hyper-thin is not enough – every Graphic Designer and their mothers has learned to pick up Photoshop and now the models have tits added that are so enormous, it would break spines if they were real.

When that’s the standard for beauty, it’s hard not to have the kind of performance anxiety that makes you forget your lines once you hit the stage.  Even if you’re a media-savvy, Kilbourne-watching kind of person who comes at body image concerns with your femifists flying, those images, when you see them day after day after day, can affect your confidence in what is almost certainly a beautiful, sexy body (I trust your husband on this one, he probably sees it a lot!).

Buuuuuuut, there’s some bad news, too.  It’s hard to get past something that deep-seated.  I am guessing your husband could compose Shakespearean verse detailing the vast panoply of your erotic form and you’d only find secret flaws hidden (like maybe it wasn’t quite in full iambic pentameter, give the guy a break!)  It might be worth seeing a therapist who’s familiar with body dysmorphia, preferably a feminist friendly one.

Lupe:

My only advice is to fake it till you make it.  Do the things that scare you like have sex with the lights on, or walk around naked, or more lingerie.  More lingerie is my answer for most of life’s problems though so take that with a grain of salt.  Eventually you’ll start to believe the truth: your husband is warm for your form.

Matt:

You are part of a duo who are having good, happy, regular sex which logistically wouldn’t be possible if you weren’t all of those things.

I’m not totally sure it translates – but a big part of what got me over my worries about (being an ugly, skinny nerd) was that I accepted that how I see myself, and how partners see me can be two entirely separate things. Our worth is far larger than just how attracted we are to ourselves though to speak in purely sexual terms – if you make his dick hard, you’re sexy.

So you are hot, you are sexy and you are attractive. You don’t have to be without inhibitions, but you are totally allowed to relish in the fact that you are with a partner who finds you absolutely sexy. It took me a while, but that coupled with an awareness that other people wanting to be around me said other good things about who I am both emotionally and physically eventually led to the ego you see before you today. (which should serve as a warning of some kind).

$30 at Babeland 

Happy Holidays!  Are you like me?  Did you wait until the last possible minute to go gift-shopping?  No?  You are a successful grown up and have had your shopping done since June?  Congratulations, I hope your feelings of smugness keep you warm at night.  I’m just kidding.  But not really.  Mostly I’m jealous.  ANYWAY, this is a super-stressful time of year no matter how much shopping you’ve got left, so I figured I would take a break from my last-minute preparations to help you with yours.  I’m generous like that.

So, this latest toy is the Pin-Up Vibe + Bombshell Balm.  It comes in a fantastically discreet tin with a great pin-up image on the front.  It is in fact so discreet that when I got it, I was confused about what it was.  What is this thing?  Is it a deck of cards?  How is a deck of cards going to get me off?  And then I opened it, and to my relief, it was not a deck of cards, but a bullet vibe, an extra battery (2 batteries!!!), and a small tin of something called bombshell balm.  The tin is really cute, and it’s the kind of thing you could leave sitting out when friends or family come over for the holidays, unless they are the nosy sort who would go, “Oh, what’s this?” and open it.  Of course, it would sort of serve them right and they would probably turn red and never open anything you own ever again.  So, leave it out at your own risk, is what I’m saying.

The vibe itself has three speeds: slow, fast, and plane-taking-off.  It’s a good vibe.  I honestly wasn’t expecting that much from it since usually the small plastic bullets can be a let-down, and I also wasn’t sure about the flat head on it. I’ve previously stuck to vibes with a more rounded or sort of pointed end, but I was pleasantly surprised to find the flat end allows you to get really good contact on the clit.  Obviously, it’s mainly an external vibe, but it’s a good one.  My only complaint is that it seems particularly loud, probably because the material is fairly rigid, but you know, I’m not an engineer, so that’s just my best guess.  You definitely get the bang for your buck on this one.  Top tip: to make that battery last even longer, keep the little white dot that you have to remove to use the vibe and reinsert it when you’re done to break the connection and keep the battery from draining slowly.  This will also mean the vibe can’t get accidentally turned on at awkward moments.

I was a little apprehensive about the bombshell balm, since I have sensitive skin and particularly sensitive ladybits, but I decided to try it anyway, because I love you all that much.  The balm looks not unlike a tin of Burt’s Bees, and a quick inspection of the ingredients list includes all kinds of nice things like jojoba oil, almond oil, shea butter, and… beeswax.  Thanks, Burt.  Another top tip: don’t try to warm it up in your hand, it has a nice consistency and you’ll only make it gooey and tricky to use.  It says you can apply either directly to your ladybits or put it on the vibe, but I would recommend direct application, because it sort of melts on your skin and gets a lovely tingly thing going.  Think of it as foreplay in a tin- once it mixes with your own natural lubricants, it’s just amazing.  Double bonus: all those luscious oils leave your ladybits softer than when you started.  Also, just for science, I tasted a little bit of it, and it’s basically tasteless, but it will leave your tongue a bit tingly.  I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing, I’m just letting you know.  I also don’t know how this stuff would interact with latex (ed. note: oil breaks down latex so don’t try this with condoms), so probably check that out before you try to use this stuff for more than vibe play.  The TestVag is single, so this is not an issue it faces, but I think it would make for a pretty hilarious craigslist ad.  Moving on.

Overall, I think for $30 this is a great stocking stuffer, or a great gift to yourself to help you relax during the holiday season.  It would also be a cute gift for one of those painfully awkward bridal shower things, because everyone will ooh and ahh over the tin and giggle at the contents, plus, your friend will actually get a legitimately good sex toy.  Remember, as Cousin Eddie says, it’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year!

FTC disclaimer: toy provided for review by Babeland.  Neither SIFE nor Testvag was in any way compensate for this review or their opinions. 

If you are buying sex toys this time of year, if you spend more than $125 with Babeland before the 22nd you get a free bondage kit with the code “wrapme”

Why is it when a man says he’s “just not looking for/capable of a relationship” it’s only a matter of weeks until he’s happily engaged?

Jack:

There could really be any number of things going on here, but look, Cassandra – may I call you Cassandra?  I ask because all of them involve a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The most likely one is that you have encountered this problem once or twice in emotionally devastating circumstances and have now over-generalized some unfortunate instances as a pattern.  Either you believe this is only the case for men who date you, (in which case your lack of confidence may be a contributor here) or else you believe that a natural tendency of the en-penised to pull this kind of bait-and-switch, but you have simply never had the fortune of being, well, switch.

Whatever the origin, your perception of the situation is, unfortunately, only making it worse.  One of the most commonly recognized phenomena in social psychology is the following: if you are told a person is (for example) cruel, you are likely to treat them as though they are acting cruel before they have the chance to do so and they will respond in kind, thus confirming your prejudgments.  Maybe you’re broadcasting to these men that they aren’t looking for open relationships.

Or, finally, maybe you are subconsciously seeking men who are confused about how they feel about commitment, but on the cusp of discovery, likely because you’re secretly in a similar place in life.

All of this applies to the “girlfriend” part, though; any guy who goes from “I’m not ready to commit, maybe when I grow up” to “I PUT A RING ON IT!” in the matter of weeks is probably, to use an elegant term, a cock-brain.  A cock-brain who will likely get cold feet just before the wedding anyway, so don’t be envious of the poor saps who married them.

Lupe:

Short and harsh truth?  Because it’s a line.  It’s a line you should correctly hear as “I don’t like you enough to date you but I’m a user and I like you enough to have sex with you.  Would you mind if I toyed with your emotions and had sex with you whilst I actively look for someone else to commit to?”

Matt:

Hello Stranger! The possibilities are somewhat vast with this one, though two that immediately come to my mind are that he was either being less than totally honest when it came to letting you down, or simply because feelings change and can do very quickly. In either case it’s time to move on, sorry!

Send your drama and heartache to us at sexyisforeverybody at gmail and WE WILL HEAL YOU!

We have absolutely no experience in counseling and you have a sad, what could possibly go wrong?  Welcome to our new segment where we take your relationship/sex questions and throw them before a panel of experts for the three opinions you care about most: you best girlfriend’s, your dream boyfriend’s (Jack), and the guy you’re trying to sleep with but know will break your heart (Matt).  Please submit your sad tales of woe and drama to sexyisforeverybody at gmail.  

The situation:

Asked him out in August, got a “not looking to date anyone right now, esp. a coworker”.

Later in August: drunken hookup.

Day after drunken hookup: get a “let’s do this again, but if either of us gets to emotionally attached, we have to stop.” This is cool with me, cause he’s hot as fuck and I’ll take what I can get.

Fast forward to November: realize I’ve totally fallen for him. For bonus points, he says “I love you” but it’s during sex so I know, I know it doesn’t count.

But, I see him every day and will clearly make my life miserable if I say something that ends things. What should I do?

1. Intend not to tell him ever but probably say something regrettable when very drunk post-Holiday Party.

2. Ask to what extent he’s just not into me vs. just not into relationships (which I also know is somewhat true) & for clarification. So even if it’s totally not mutual, at least I am reassured that he’s not into anybody else?

3. Some other ingenious option you come up with?

Other relevant facts: we’re both incredibly socially inept and bad at communicating. After agreeing that hookups would continue to happen, he stayed over a lot for a few weeks without actually following through on the “benefits” part, leading me to suspect he he was trying to respect me or some such nonsense. Also, this whole thing has been a secret to coworkers.

Jack:

Before I even look at providing my answer, let me tell you what a more overarching problem is:

Those were the two options you came up.  That was what leaped to your mind for options, this late in the game.

First of all, even if you could manage to catch this guy, you didn’t exactly catch a prize trout; he seems more like a sardine.  He knew, before this started that you were “emotionally attached.”  You asked him on a date and he rejected you.  His proposal was intellectually dishonest.  It seems very likely that, given he has some trouble with social awkwardness, he saw an opportunity to touch some boobs and ran over your feelings with a monster truck to get there.

What you have to do, no matter how painful it is (and you should have done this from the start), is to say “I am becoming emotionally attached.  We have to end this.”  If he agrees to end it, yes, it will hurt.  It’s like having surgery – the cure is sometimes more painful than the ailment, but it’s still better for you to go through with it.

Now, he may just say that he’s becoming emotionally attached too.  If he does, think very, very carefully about whether he means it or whether his knee is jerking (or, well, other parts of his body) at having his sex-supply cut off.  Because there is a strong possibility it is the latter, in which case you should probably suggest that you’ll cut off something he’ll miss a lot more if he tries to play with your emotions again.

Lupe:

Oh girl, I hear a lot in this missive but you know what I don’t hear? A question.  You know this won’t end well you’re just hoping we have some magical ninja move we can pull out to save it.  We don’t and that’s a good thing.  Look, no matter what this is gonna hurt your feelings but you can manage the hurt.  There are two possibilities here: you stop having sex with him now and deal with the hurt and disappointment on a manageable scale or you wait until he breaks your heart.  Lemme tell you why option 1 is better: this guy is a jackass and you don’t want him anyway.  He’s totally blowing smoke up your ass.  He doesn’t want a relationship ”especially with a co-worker,” presumably he’s saying this because he doesn’t want drama at work place, but he’s willing to fuck a co-worker which is a situation virtually guaranteed to cause drama.  He’s using you and throwing out a couple of cliched lines to make it seem like he’s being sensible not an asshole.  What truly disturbs me is that you’re making excuses for him (he’s socially inept, he wanted to respect me, etc.), don’t make him a better guy than he is.  He’s fucking with your emotions and knows it.  Also, may I suggest that if guys like him keep turning up in your life you take a look at statements like “he’s hot so I’ll take what I get” because you deserve so so much more.  If you truly believe you deserve whatever you can get, you’ll always end up with the random detritus of the universe.  Demand better.

Matt:

This sounds like the type of question that me and Lupe probably need to sit down and argue about because this is a tough one, but here goes…

You’re emotionally attached. I would consider gently mentioning this and finding out if you both want the same thing – and if you don’t, it has to stop. Unless you’re happy riding in this comfort zone, though if you were, you wouldn’t need to ask this question, right?

I figure you know that, though. What we’re really being asked here is the tactical arrangement behind the ambush! Which is simple – don’t make it an ambush, be honest. Avoid being pointed or making it about the “extent he’s just not into” you and instead just say “I think I am getting emotionally attached to you, how are you feeling about us? Is it a good idea for us to stop having awesome sex?” If you don’t get the answer you want, stop. And start looking for something else – it’s okay to be incompatible. And good luck!