Sexy is for Everybody

So in the past I’ve been pretty enthusiastic about my love of the OhMiBod Club vibe.  It’s a vibrator that turns music into vibration rhythms and it is unbelievably awesome.  Well now that vibe has gotten even better thanks to SCIENCE! A wealth of apps (ok just two) have sprung up to make them even cooler.  First OhMiBod released their own app that allows you to control your vibe from your iPhone or iPod, which come on, AMAZEBALLS.   Now, however, the app capabilities have been taken to their incredible pervy logical conclusions and I could not be happier.  CloserToGetHer allows you to plug the vibe into your iPhone or iPod and your partner can control the vibe from anywhere in the world.  If you don’t have an OhMiBod vibe the app will vibrate your iphone and you can put that in your tender places.

The company gave me two downloads to try out which I gleefully took.  I tried them out with a partner in London on the iPhone, whilst I was decidedly NOT in London, on an iPod touch.  Sadly we had some hiccups.  While it worked with absolutely no issues on the iPhone my iPod/club vibe combo was a dud.  It went something like this:

Me: I’m not feeling anything

Keith: TRY THIS ….TAKE THAT 100% INTENSITY

me: it’s not doing anything, here is this working on your iphone?

‘Cause this iPod option does not work

Keith: ooh yeah it’s working that’s weird

me: PUT IT ON YOUR JUNK!

Keith: no

Me: how can we properly evaluate this if you won’t put it on your junk?

Keith: I’m not putting my balls on my iphone, that has to go on my face later

The developers have assured me however that the app should work just fine with an iPod touch and the problem is more likely to be with using the club vibe rather than the other Ohmibod vibes that connect directly to the iPod/iPhone without the use of a battery pack.  Basically it should work with any of the wired products that OhMiBod lists as compatible with their own app.  As an added bonus OhMiBod is offering $10 off all their products if you like them on Facebook.  I’m trying to get my hands on another vibe to try again with my iPod, and I’ll update my review when I do, but in the meantime I cannot recommend this highly enough if you’re both on iPhones as that seems to work just fine.

GIVEAWAY

CloserToGetHer is offering us two downloads of their app for the iPhone/Ipad/Ipod touch to one commenter (so 1 download each for you and your partner) leave a comment below that you’d like to enter and I’ll randomly draw a winner next Monday.  Keep in mind that while CloserToGetHer does work on an Android we’ve only been given Apple downloads to give away.

As a woman who is evangelical about always having the basics on hand, I could not love this Bare Necessities Kit more.  It’s everything you need in a little pouch: condoms, lube, and toy cleaner.  Here is are reasons  why you need to order this NOW:

1. All the products are very high quality and a decent size.  I was particularly impressed with the toy cleaner that had a nice subtle fresh scent and got everything spanking clean.  This was a considerable step up from toy cleaners I’ve used in the past that smelled like candy and left a stick film on your toys.  Love this stuff.  Now the lube is admittedly not my favorite as I remain a Swiss Navy girl but it is far far better than most of the lubes out there.  It’s slick and the taste is inoffensive.  Really that’s all you need from a lube.

2. It’s cheap! For $10 you get a large sample size of products that easily cost twice that much on their own

3. The packaging is pretty, modern, and nondescript.  Nothing is worse than lubes or toy cleaners that have hideous “yes I am used for THE SEX” packaging.  Or even worse horrible names.  Coochie? We’re looking at you.

A great deal for the price and will keep your sexin’ healthy and safe.  What’s not to like? Good job Babeland!

FTC disclaimer: products are provided by Babeland upon request.  Reviewers are not compensated for their opinions. 

Sometimes, often times, the worst experiences can come out of the most innocent of questions.  Matt asked us if we thought clown porn existed.  In an attempt to prove that indeed, yes, there is porn for everything we discovered this little film.  Please proceed with caution as we at SIFE will not be held responsible for any nightmares that might ensue after seeing this.

We begin our mutual careers are porn commentators with a little gem called “Bible Banging” from the Golden Gate Season 2 series of films.  Golden Gate describes it thus:

Riley Price plays Elder Jensen, a wet-behind-the-ears Mormon missionary who’s going door-to-door to spread the gospel. But he has no idea what’s in store for him when he knocks on Tony Buff’s door. Once Elder Jensen bravely enters Tony’s home, he’s in for the most unmerciful fuck of his life.

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Anon writes

Here’s my question. My husband and I have a good sex life. It’s very active, and we’re both happy. I can’t seem to get over myself though. I don’t believe him when he tells me I’m attractive, and it’s seriously ruining the moment now. When he says that I’m attractive (or sexy, or hot, whatever) it makes me feel almost bad. I shy away and it throws our mojo off so to speak. How do I get my confidence back? Uninhibited women are super hot, but I can’t seem to get over the block in my head telling me I’m not that girl. What do I do?

Jack:

Assuming that this is the only thing you have difficulty taking your husband’s word on:

Here’s the good news (actually it is not good news but misery loves company) you are not the only person and definitely not the only woman who feels this way.  There are priestesses of Aphrodite who could knock me unconscious with their beauty who believe themselves to be unattractive.

The magazines are stacked full of cheesecake cover shots (ironically named, as they feature women who have never eaten a slice of cheesecake without vomiting it up first).  That they are hyper-thin is not enough – every Graphic Designer and their mothers has learned to pick up Photoshop and now the models have tits added that are so enormous, it would break spines if they were real.

When that’s the standard for beauty, it’s hard not to have the kind of performance anxiety that makes you forget your lines once you hit the stage.  Even if you’re a media-savvy, Kilbourne-watching kind of person who comes at body image concerns with your femifists flying, those images, when you see them day after day after day, can affect your confidence in what is almost certainly a beautiful, sexy body (I trust your husband on this one, he probably sees it a lot!).

Buuuuuuut, there’s some bad news, too.  It’s hard to get past something that deep-seated.  I am guessing your husband could compose Shakespearean verse detailing the vast panoply of your erotic form and you’d only find secret flaws hidden (like maybe it wasn’t quite in full iambic pentameter, give the guy a break!)  It might be worth seeing a therapist who’s familiar with body dysmorphia, preferably a feminist friendly one.

Lupe:

My only advice is to fake it till you make it.  Do the things that scare you like have sex with the lights on, or walk around naked, or more lingerie.  More lingerie is my answer for most of life’s problems though so take that with a grain of salt.  Eventually you’ll start to believe the truth: your husband is warm for your form.

Matt:

You are part of a duo who are having good, happy, regular sex which logistically wouldn’t be possible if you weren’t all of those things.

I’m not totally sure it translates – but a big part of what got me over my worries about (being an ugly, skinny nerd) was that I accepted that how I see myself, and how partners see me can be two entirely separate things. Our worth is far larger than just how attracted we are to ourselves though to speak in purely sexual terms – if you make his dick hard, you’re sexy.

So you are hot, you are sexy and you are attractive. You don’t have to be without inhibitions, but you are totally allowed to relish in the fact that you are with a partner who finds you absolutely sexy. It took me a while, but that coupled with an awareness that other people wanting to be around me said other good things about who I am both emotionally and physically eventually led to the ego you see before you today. (which should serve as a warning of some kind).

$30 at Babeland 

Happy Holidays!  Are you like me?  Did you wait until the last possible minute to go gift-shopping?  No?  You are a successful grown up and have had your shopping done since June?  Congratulations, I hope your feelings of smugness keep you warm at night.  I’m just kidding.  But not really.  Mostly I’m jealous.  ANYWAY, this is a super-stressful time of year no matter how much shopping you’ve got left, so I figured I would take a break from my last-minute preparations to help you with yours.  I’m generous like that.

So, this latest toy is the Pin-Up Vibe + Bombshell Balm.  It comes in a fantastically discreet tin with a great pin-up image on the front.  It is in fact so discreet that when I got it, I was confused about what it was.  What is this thing?  Is it a deck of cards?  How is a deck of cards going to get me off?  And then I opened it, and to my relief, it was not a deck of cards, but a bullet vibe, an extra battery (2 batteries!!!), and a small tin of something called bombshell balm.  The tin is really cute, and it’s the kind of thing you could leave sitting out when friends or family come over for the holidays, unless they are the nosy sort who would go, “Oh, what’s this?” and open it.  Of course, it would sort of serve them right and they would probably turn red and never open anything you own ever again.  So, leave it out at your own risk, is what I’m saying.

The vibe itself has three speeds: slow, fast, and plane-taking-off.  It’s a good vibe.  I honestly wasn’t expecting that much from it since usually the small plastic bullets can be a let-down, and I also wasn’t sure about the flat head on it. I’ve previously stuck to vibes with a more rounded or sort of pointed end, but I was pleasantly surprised to find the flat end allows you to get really good contact on the clit.  Obviously, it’s mainly an external vibe, but it’s a good one.  My only complaint is that it seems particularly loud, probably because the material is fairly rigid, but you know, I’m not an engineer, so that’s just my best guess.  You definitely get the bang for your buck on this one.  Top tip: to make that battery last even longer, keep the little white dot that you have to remove to use the vibe and reinsert it when you’re done to break the connection and keep the battery from draining slowly.  This will also mean the vibe can’t get accidentally turned on at awkward moments.

I was a little apprehensive about the bombshell balm, since I have sensitive skin and particularly sensitive ladybits, but I decided to try it anyway, because I love you all that much.  The balm looks not unlike a tin of Burt’s Bees, and a quick inspection of the ingredients list includes all kinds of nice things like jojoba oil, almond oil, shea butter, and… beeswax.  Thanks, Burt.  Another top tip: don’t try to warm it up in your hand, it has a nice consistency and you’ll only make it gooey and tricky to use.  It says you can apply either directly to your ladybits or put it on the vibe, but I would recommend direct application, because it sort of melts on your skin and gets a lovely tingly thing going.  Think of it as foreplay in a tin- once it mixes with your own natural lubricants, it’s just amazing.  Double bonus: all those luscious oils leave your ladybits softer than when you started.  Also, just for science, I tasted a little bit of it, and it’s basically tasteless, but it will leave your tongue a bit tingly.  I’m not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing, I’m just letting you know.  I also don’t know how this stuff would interact with latex (ed. note: oil breaks down latex so don’t try this with condoms), so probably check that out before you try to use this stuff for more than vibe play.  The TestVag is single, so this is not an issue it faces, but I think it would make for a pretty hilarious craigslist ad.  Moving on.

Overall, I think for $30 this is a great stocking stuffer, or a great gift to yourself to help you relax during the holiday season.  It would also be a cute gift for one of those painfully awkward bridal shower things, because everyone will ooh and ahh over the tin and giggle at the contents, plus, your friend will actually get a legitimately good sex toy.  Remember, as Cousin Eddie says, it’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year!

FTC disclaimer: toy provided for review by Babeland.  Neither SIFE nor Testvag was in any way compensate for this review or their opinions. 

If you are buying sex toys this time of year, if you spend more than $125 with Babeland before the 22nd you get a free bondage kit with the code “wrapme”

Why is it when a man says he’s “just not looking for/capable of a relationship” it’s only a matter of weeks until he’s happily engaged?

Jack:

There could really be any number of things going on here, but look, Cassandra – may I call you Cassandra?  I ask because all of them involve a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The most likely one is that you have encountered this problem once or twice in emotionally devastating circumstances and have now over-generalized some unfortunate instances as a pattern.  Either you believe this is only the case for men who date you, (in which case your lack of confidence may be a contributor here) or else you believe that a natural tendency of the en-penised to pull this kind of bait-and-switch, but you have simply never had the fortune of being, well, switch.

Whatever the origin, your perception of the situation is, unfortunately, only making it worse.  One of the most commonly recognized phenomena in social psychology is the following: if you are told a person is (for example) cruel, you are likely to treat them as though they are acting cruel before they have the chance to do so and they will respond in kind, thus confirming your prejudgments.  Maybe you’re broadcasting to these men that they aren’t looking for open relationships.

Or, finally, maybe you are subconsciously seeking men who are confused about how they feel about commitment, but on the cusp of discovery, likely because you’re secretly in a similar place in life.

All of this applies to the “girlfriend” part, though; any guy who goes from “I’m not ready to commit, maybe when I grow up” to “I PUT A RING ON IT!” in the matter of weeks is probably, to use an elegant term, a cock-brain.  A cock-brain who will likely get cold feet just before the wedding anyway, so don’t be envious of the poor saps who married them.

Lupe:

Short and harsh truth?  Because it’s a line.  It’s a line you should correctly hear as “I don’t like you enough to date you but I’m a user and I like you enough to have sex with you.  Would you mind if I toyed with your emotions and had sex with you whilst I actively look for someone else to commit to?”

Matt:

Hello Stranger! The possibilities are somewhat vast with this one, though two that immediately come to my mind are that he was either being less than totally honest when it came to letting you down, or simply because feelings change and can do very quickly. In either case it’s time to move on, sorry!

Send your drama and heartache to us at sexyisforeverybody at gmail and WE WILL HEAL YOU!

We have absolutely no experience in counseling and you have a sad, what could possibly go wrong?  Welcome to our new segment where we take your relationship/sex questions and throw them before a panel of experts for the three opinions you care about most: you best girlfriend’s, your dream boyfriend’s (Jack), and the guy you’re trying to sleep with but know will break your heart (Matt).  Please submit your sad tales of woe and drama to sexyisforeverybody at gmail.  

The situation:

Asked him out in August, got a “not looking to date anyone right now, esp. a coworker”.

Later in August: drunken hookup.

Day after drunken hookup: get a “let’s do this again, but if either of us gets to emotionally attached, we have to stop.” This is cool with me, cause he’s hot as fuck and I’ll take what I can get.

Fast forward to November: realize I’ve totally fallen for him. For bonus points, he says “I love you” but it’s during sex so I know, I know it doesn’t count.

But, I see him every day and will clearly make my life miserable if I say something that ends things. What should I do?

1. Intend not to tell him ever but probably say something regrettable when very drunk post-Holiday Party.

2. Ask to what extent he’s just not into me vs. just not into relationships (which I also know is somewhat true) & for clarification. So even if it’s totally not mutual, at least I am reassured that he’s not into anybody else?

3. Some other ingenious option you come up with?

Other relevant facts: we’re both incredibly socially inept and bad at communicating. After agreeing that hookups would continue to happen, he stayed over a lot for a few weeks without actually following through on the “benefits” part, leading me to suspect he he was trying to respect me or some such nonsense. Also, this whole thing has been a secret to coworkers.

Jack:

Before I even look at providing my answer, let me tell you what a more overarching problem is:

Those were the two options you came up.  That was what leaped to your mind for options, this late in the game.

First of all, even if you could manage to catch this guy, you didn’t exactly catch a prize trout; he seems more like a sardine.  He knew, before this started that you were “emotionally attached.”  You asked him on a date and he rejected you.  His proposal was intellectually dishonest.  It seems very likely that, given he has some trouble with social awkwardness, he saw an opportunity to touch some boobs and ran over your feelings with a monster truck to get there.

What you have to do, no matter how painful it is (and you should have done this from the start), is to say “I am becoming emotionally attached.  We have to end this.”  If he agrees to end it, yes, it will hurt.  It’s like having surgery – the cure is sometimes more painful than the ailment, but it’s still better for you to go through with it.

Now, he may just say that he’s becoming emotionally attached too.  If he does, think very, very carefully about whether he means it or whether his knee is jerking (or, well, other parts of his body) at having his sex-supply cut off.  Because there is a strong possibility it is the latter, in which case you should probably suggest that you’ll cut off something he’ll miss a lot more if he tries to play with your emotions again.

Lupe:

Oh girl, I hear a lot in this missive but you know what I don’t hear? A question.  You know this won’t end well you’re just hoping we have some magical ninja move we can pull out to save it.  We don’t and that’s a good thing.  Look, no matter what this is gonna hurt your feelings but you can manage the hurt.  There are two possibilities here: you stop having sex with him now and deal with the hurt and disappointment on a manageable scale or you wait until he breaks your heart.  Lemme tell you why option 1 is better: this guy is a jackass and you don’t want him anyway.  He’s totally blowing smoke up your ass.  He doesn’t want a relationship ”especially with a co-worker,” presumably he’s saying this because he doesn’t want drama at work place, but he’s willing to fuck a co-worker which is a situation virtually guaranteed to cause drama.  He’s using you and throwing out a couple of cliched lines to make it seem like he’s being sensible not an asshole.  What truly disturbs me is that you’re making excuses for him (he’s socially inept, he wanted to respect me, etc.), don’t make him a better guy than he is.  He’s fucking with your emotions and knows it.  Also, may I suggest that if guys like him keep turning up in your life you take a look at statements like “he’s hot so I’ll take what I get” because you deserve so so much more.  If you truly believe you deserve whatever you can get, you’ll always end up with the random detritus of the universe.  Demand better.

Matt:

This sounds like the type of question that me and Lupe probably need to sit down and argue about because this is a tough one, but here goes…

You’re emotionally attached. I would consider gently mentioning this and finding out if you both want the same thing – and if you don’t, it has to stop. Unless you’re happy riding in this comfort zone, though if you were, you wouldn’t need to ask this question, right?

I figure you know that, though. What we’re really being asked here is the tactical arrangement behind the ambush! Which is simple – don’t make it an ambush, be honest. Avoid being pointed or making it about the “extent he’s just not into” you and instead just say “I think I am getting emotionally attached to you, how are you feeling about us? Is it a good idea for us to stop having awesome sex?” If you don’t get the answer you want, stop. And start looking for something else – it’s okay to be incompatible. And good luck!

Vixen indeed!

Androgyny has never looked so good (please commenters do not refer to Svirfneblin as “he,” “Euro crumpet” will suffice)

If you would like to participate in the Pin Up Project please send all submissions to sexyisforeverybody at gmail.  Also include how you’d like to be credited or if you’d like to remain anonymous.  Unconventional, non-traditional and non cisgendered readers are especially encouraged to participate as these are under represented in our spank banks traditional seductive imagery.